You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: it’s also the flinch. Your personality is not set in stone. You may think a morning coffee is the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it’s really just a habit. Thirty days without it, and you would be fine. You think you have a soul mate, but in fact you could have had any number of spouses. You would have evolved differently, but been just as happy.
You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, who gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper than just preferences, and these details on the surface, you can change anytime you like.
If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes, it’s the only way.
Set fire to your old self. It’s not needed here. It’s too busy shopping, gossiping about others, and watching days go by and asking why you haven’t gotten as far as you’d like. This old self will die and be forgotten by all but family, and replaced by someone who makes a difference.
Your new self is not like that. Your new self is the Great Chicago Fire—overwhelming, overpowering, and destroying everything that isn’t necessary.
yo i miss ketzia because what the hell even happened there anyway
The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.
It’s been quite awhile since I”ve written anything personal on here, and I don’t know yet if this post is going to turn into something that resembles that. I don’t know. I’m so focused on school and grades and Drake that I feel like nothing creative has time to flourish here. Or anywhere. I hoard words and seclude them to a lonely microsoft word file on my computer. I pretend that they are mine to not do anything with, to occlude from usage and only bring out when I’m around someone who can take a conversation seriously enough to not laugh at me when I try to awkwardly stretch my mouth around them and practice making them mine.
I am sometimes very happy and sometimes have a lot of friends. I think more about being home than about the next four years here. I think about my highschool friends all of the time but never talk to any of them when I want to because I’m afraid that I will let them down after getting them used to me having time to talk to them. This summer, I will do a lot of catching up on appreciating people that I only internally cherish.
I’m almost a social psych research assistant and I have a paid internship for the summer so that is nice. Progress is being made toward my future. Music makes me so happy but I still don’t make time for it. Jazz pushes out of my chest without me asking it to. Incoming trumpet blares move all of my blood to my heart and I feel like I’ll burst in anticipation for the next note. I play none of these sounds. I’m missing an essential part of myself.
I’m getting better at forming real relationships with teachers. I’m behind on studying. I have to go. Bye.
edit: Fuck, sorry, I’m feeling much better after that protein shake. Needing food does weird things to my emotions.