life fantastic.

You told me once when I thought knew you, but I didn’t really, that being naked was the best of feelings. Freed, unhindered, silly, bouncing parts that we hardly identify with under our layers of social acceptance- if you take a look into a mirror, they DO belong to you. They ARE you. I of course objected to that idea modestly and tried to hide the thought in the back of my mind. But today, I dropped my towel after my shower. I walked around my bathroom.

The inner parts of my thighs competed for space between my legs, switching places with each step, rubbing each other like eager worshippers of genies in bottles. My stomach jutted out strangely- the extra weight looked uncomfortable on me. You told me that my body was flawless, and that being naked is the best of feelings. But I only feel the way I think you mean when I’m wrapped up in a loose sweater of yours. All of my curves are skimmed over again, and I might as well look like a child under the garment. I am not yet right in the mold of a woman. 

..that everyone you know that has a tumblr as well, follows.

There are a lot of poignant things happening in my life right now, and for fear that these things will be read and the words, “Wow, nobody needed to know that.”, or “Who really cares.”, will automatically and unintentionally be the first reactions to my posts, I tend to shy away from documenting these epiphanies/events. It would be an overstatement if I said I was able to extricate my feelings totally from really slimy judgements. It’s more likely that if I imagine these reactions or hear of them, there’s going to be a bit of residue that weighs down my rising confidence in who I am and the thoughts I think. 

And this problem could be solved in a pinch by creating a new and private blog, but I still have this insignificant longing for people to be able to see what kind of person I am by looking through a few pages of my current blog. I want it to be a summary of my personality. I don’t enjoy looking back over my Tumblr page and feeling like anyone else could be running it.

None of this really matters, and I should just continue writing in my journal, probably.

me

and steven

and mountains

and washington state

in july

bye done dead fulfilled

i hate that awkward state of never being where you are so entangled in what you don’t want to say that you try to tell yourself that there is nothing to say, and then everything seems off and the notches of the gear scrape against the corners of their fitting and you are suspended uncomfortably, wondering if you are confused so entirely that your entire outlook on your own life or relationships has been fostered by internal madness gone unnoticed until now

that is something i do not like.

A. Answered.

C. Heeere we go. I like Steven David because out of all the people I’ve met in my life, I have never been able to express myself as freely to anyone as I can with him. He recognizes my character flaws and is patient with them. He knows how to make me die from laughter, and conversation with him can range from absolutely ridiculous to intellectual. He asks me questions that I’ve never been asked and forces me to think about things I’ve never questioned before. Our opinions are often divergent, and it makes me have to conciously decide why I see things a certain way or feel the way I do. I am comfortable around him, but yeah. Seeing him makes my heart do crazy shit. He has many strange tendencies and quirks to notice. I love the way he tells stories. These are only some of the things. I like the kid pretty well, I’d say.

E. Answered.

F. Laurel….don’t say….Perks….
Well, if it’s not that tear-jerker of an extremely relatable film, then it has to be Naussica or Castle in the Sky. (May have a slight Miyazaki obsession, but who really doesn’t)

WAIT A SECOND THOUGH, HOMEWARD BOUND. My childhood. I don’t even know anymore. I can’t pick.

L. coming off as/being one-dimensional.

M. I guess there’s a 50/50 percent chance you’ll get this one right on your own

P. I don’t hate school. I hate how I choose to handle the workload that I’m assigned. All in all, I really enjoy school when people aren’t trying to passive aggressively hurt eachother’s feelings for no reason. Also, pertaining to this very moment, I’d like school more if I felt that this stage of my life was not finished yet. But it is.

S. I take childish walks. I probably look like I think I’m 5 years old or on drugs, but I use the curb as a balance beam and sprint when I feel like it and pick flowers that aren’t that pretty and stare at the sky a lot. I try to look around at everything like it’s new and I haven’t seen it before. It’s a good way to relieve stress while simultanously making a fool of myself, I think.

V. A couple nights ago.

I’m seeing a point to this particular selection of letters. Haaa. Though those are some good questions, I’m going to say upfront that M won’t get answered and that I should have probably read the whole question set before reblogging it because that is essentially stating that I’m okay with responding to all of these.

J. Someone who can claim that they are worldly with actual validity. I’m not positive of my profession, but I am positive that I want to do something with the Peace Corps either before I begin working a full-time job in my chosen profession or after I retire. Or maybe even if I need to find inspiration at some random point in my life. I’m quite aware of my limited perspective, and despite being aware, experience is the only possible way I can decrease my limitations. Understanding people and the way they live and why, hopefully even being able to integrate into their society and become a part of a cultural unit, that all sounds like my heaven. I need to make this happen somehow, so I will.

A. My last relationship ended because as we both agreed, it ended up lacking substance.

M. I don’t recognize this letter’s existence

I. I have a double piercing on both ears and I hope to get my cartilage and my nose pierced soon. We’ll see about the nose piercing though. I haven’t been given much positive feedback on that idea, but I find myself not giving much of a shit. Plus I can take it out if I want. And regarding tattoos, I find them to be beautiful, but I have a hard time pinpointing an image or a phrase I want with me always. Maybe there will be a time in my life where I will feel okay with tattoos as a way to “express myself” and decorate my body, but for now, I would much prefer it was extremely significant. 

E. I don’t think I have a best friend. I have people that I love/respect/trust greatly, all in different ways. I’d not like to raise up a certain person from that group, because how comfortable I feel around people fluctuates, and I grow apart, close to, and with all of them at different times. All of my relationships with my good friends are vastly different, therefore pretty incomparable. It wouldn’t be fair. The nearest person to that title would likely be Steven, though.

My European History teacher is my favorite teacher. But I just took an AP, I have two weeks of school left, and it’s questionable whether I’m going to realistically have the time to study as much as I need to in order to pass his subject’s AP. 

But the fact of the matter is that I

just

can’t 

focus

in

this

class

right 

now.

These next two weeks are going to consist of mostly just me forcing myself to care for teachers that are worth it.

Studies show that if you call a woman a “fox” or a “total babe”, then they will  9/10 desire to fornicate with you

okay, existential crisis over, LET’S GO TO PROM.

I hate the way I look

I hate the way I feel

and I don’t want to go to prom feeling like this.

multiple concerning concerns currently

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