I wish I could be content with my mediocrity. It’s so pervasive, hits all areas of my life, and I’m so goddamn aware of it. Where do I start with the changing?
I scroll languidly down my dash and out pops a rogue picture of a vagina and then I realize I am in a coffee shop and not my room and my computer is facing outward and I have a hot load of homework waiting for me which is why I shouldn’t be on this site right now anyway
I’m so grateful for the guidance of my mother.
Bubbled inside this test answer I’ve circled I see the circular motion of the planets and the ever expanding dynamic of this universe in a panoramic I will never be able to see myself in.
I’m damned to can it, because my voice is damaged, naturally, by the fragility of its call. Who will answer? Fundraisers, wealth for a cause, volunteer to counteract state laws- I am drowned out by gun shots, and lives lost, and the vast amount of table tops being dealt under behind the back of God.
All I want is to see a smile stretch over that boy’s lovely face when he sees it’s more than by the grace of god that he’s figured out that math problem- because with his own paws he picked up a pencil and started up his train of thought. Maybe I was by his side when he decided to no longer hide that he’d rather learn to read than re-seed the cycle of violence, but that was his voice that told me he wanted to live long enough to learn and his voice that told me I needed to matter to myself so that I could matter the world. Because he matters to himself and that’s where his opportunity to be someone unfurled.
Being immersed in new knowledge all of the time and actually feeling like you’re learning and retaining information is my definition of bad ass.
Today, the effort I’ve put into memorizing V’s parts in V for Vendetta paid infinite dividends as I basically just re-delighted myself by being able to mouth them as I watched the movie in honor of Guy Fawkes Day:)) All of the floor nerds gathered for that event, by the way, and they brought some killer snacks. Today was so ridiculously busy with UNICEF, classes, tutoring, and whatever else I do to keep myself on schedule and happy, but that was a perfect break.
After the classes of that day finished, November 1st has been my favorite college afternoon/night to date. Not a sip of alcohol was consumed, but that’s not really the important part. I did everything on a whim and with people that not only fill space around me but provide me company that I would never wish to trade out. First,
Whenever I play Tetris Friends (which is 80 percent of the time), I think the worst of me rears it’s god-awful head and this thing happens where I want to tell everybody to eat a dick when I win and I don’t even have one. And I will call male opponents thundercunts on the daily. Friendships could be severed. I have Tetris anger issues.
The urge to write has reappeared, which means I have things I can’t say.
Update: The nearest ice skating rink is in Baton Rouge and once again I have given myself less than two hours to write my weekly politics essay. Change comes slowly.
You fail to understand me as a complete person because you are kept happy by a quick summary. I do not radiate positivity. I am not constantly bubbly and exuberant. And my problems may not match yours, but they are very real to me, and I know you may allow me to be legitimately upset over them but I don’t feel comfortable showing that range of emotion around you.